Before bed this evening I decided to read “There Is A Solution”. I can’t believe how long it has been since I’ve read the Big Book and really pondered what the text had to say. It’s amazing how the text still holds water after all these years.
“He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is seldom mildly intoxicated. He is always more or less insanely drunk. His disposition while drinking resembles his normal nature but little. He may be one of the finest fellows in the world. Yet let him drink for a day, and he frequently becomes disgustingly, and even dangerously anti-social.” pg 21 Big Book
That was me, Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde. I could never find a balance between the first drink and becoming insanely drunk. There was no happy medium for me. I wasn’t fit for society, I wasn’t fit to hang out with my family… hell, I wasn’t fit to be alone. I lived in my own little world where I thought I was in a protective bubble created by a 1/2 gallon of cheap vodka. I tried to write and I always wrote the same first sentence over and over again… “I sit here with a bottle of cheap vodka, cigarette hanging out of my lips and a loaded shotgun in the middle of my bed.” Always the same line. I never intended to shoot myself, maybe shoot someone else, but not myself.
I never tried to harm myself, yet I harmed myself greatly. I know, doesn’t seem to make sense does it? I didn’t care if I placed myself in harms way and placed myself in precarious situations. I embraced a lifestyle where I was surrounded by danger and risk and chaos and I loved every minute of it. Amazes me now, now that the fog has lifted. I can’t imagine placing myself in a situation like that every again, especially on purpose. Utter insanity. Thank God there is a solution. Thank God I am not alone. Thank God I went through all of that insanity at an early age and thank God I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Thank God there is a solution.