Ever stare in the mirror wishing your reflection had a voice of its own? I’ve spent the past few evenings gazing at my image in the mirror, wishing that my id would speak to me. Unanswered questions, doubt and fear were written all over my face and I couldn’t grasp on to a reason why. Shouldn’t there be some deeper meaning, some philosophical reason or some epiphany that would hit me like a bolt of lightening and reinstate a sense of purpose for my day-to-day existence. Sound a little deep? Perhaps my thoughts were a tad dark? Do I really need to find an underlying meaning for everything that I attempt? Is it worth it to put everything on the line and let everyone see what I am capable of achieving?

Being frightened of my own capabilities has kept me frozen behind the guise of words that are not my own. Playing it safe, living up to other’s preconceived notions of whom I ought to be and wasting time wondering if I will repeat the mistakes of my past have chained me into a position of complacency. It’s socially acceptable to be the good girl and dangerous to be the bad girl. I’m ready to find a harmony between the two. Both aspects take up equal space in my psyche.

So now I’m ready. I am equipped with everything I need to do what I’ve always done best. Upset and anger the status quo.

I make my own rules, I live without expectations and I yearn to see how this current evolution of my life pans out. I’m finally ready for the ride of a lifetime.

People like to talk about balance, saying that life is all about creating a way to manage everything at the same time. I prefer the term harmony. Finding balance is stress inducing and ends up being fruitless. I view my life as sheet music. I see the elements of my life as notes and if I’m having a good day they don’t sound off key. Some days the harmony is beautiful and other days it’s dark and disturbing. Regardless of how the song of the day pans out, it always reflects the real me. I strive for harmony between my recovery, my mental health and living moment to moment. The majority of the time, it works.

I am aware of what outside influences trigger a manic. I’m a member of the “all manic all the time” club, I don’t get depressed. I may crash and burn for a few days but for the most part, my bipolar encourages my mind and body to go go go. No one likes to see me in a full- blown manic, trust me it’s not pretty. I have had rage issues since I was a toddler and when a manic occurs, all of my tact filters fly out of the window.  The exact same thing happens when I drink. You can imagine what the combination of drinking and being manic induces. Utter nightmare. I manage my sobriety and recovery on a day-by-day basis. While I don’t adhere to any specific recovery method, my program is strong and has a solid foundation. The combination allows me to maintain some type of harmony.

This past week I have been on a mission. I have been exploring different platforms and submitting writing samples to anything that caught my eye. My motivation?  I wasn’t working an agenda or going after recognition, I was simply curious Would my writing merit positive feedback from platforms that represent or inform the addiction recovery community? The results have been eye-opening, flattering and in one case, life changing.

I stumbled upon The Addicted Project on Facebook one evening. After taking a gander at their site, I had the biggest shit eating grin on my face.  I jotted down a quick email to the founder, inquiring about the possibility of being a contributor for one edition of their journal named Asylum.

Statement Of Purpose:
“The Addicted Project works to create positive personal, social, spiritual change by harnessing the power of music, art, and literature and those who love it. We view all forms of self expression as a tool for recovery, therapy, community building, leadership development and action.“

“The Addicted Project is produced by individuals in recovery for people in recovery. In other words, you are The Addicted Project.”

The name alone is brilliant. ~Asylum ~ So many elements are contained within that single word. Asylum will impact a population of individuals in a way that is utterly brilliant and with a style all it’s own. Not only did the scope of The Addicted Project exceed my initial reaction, it blew me out of the damn water with the personalities driving this project. They are crashing through the glass ceiling of what is available to the addicted and recovery communities. It’s about damn time someone stepped up to the plate.

I didn’t realize the magnitude, intensity and just sheer joy I would experience based off of an exchange of emails and phone conversations. The creator of The Addicted Project and his beautiful significant other just rock. Open, brutally truthful, no bullshit with a solid mission. That is a combination that is rarely seen anywhere, let alone in the addiction recovery industry. Yes folks, it is an industry. Quite honestly, I was shell-shocked when I was asked to hop on board. I honestly didn’t bank on being accepted. I exhaled a breath of satisfaction knowing that my unconventional, anti-establishment philosophies and eccentric nature would be understood.

While I don’t always go with the flow of societal expectations on WomanInRecovery, there are many subjects, opinions, views, musings and laments that I haven’t posted. Why? Quite frankly I wasn’t sure anyone would be interested. Oh how wrong I was & Oh how sweet the past few days have been as I put pen to paper.

There is a light and a dark side of recovery. While many prefer to live in the light, for my own sanity I return to some of the grim realities that encompassed my addiction and my recovery. This is life ladies and gentlemen, and while the scenery changes, it ain’t always pretty. Being sober does not entitle you to everything and life doesn’t owe you anything. There is no shiny prize for living life as a responsible adult. The true benefits of living in recovery are those which we work our asses off to achieve.

Light does exist when you are sober. Happiness, humor and joy are all found in recovery. However ~ there is another side. This side is all kinds of gray and black. During these moments the simple act of waking up can be a struggle and breathing is a conscious act. Without facing the dark, the ability to embrace the future will continue to allude you. There are two sides, two natures and two faces of recovery. Both play critical roles. The grittier sides of recovery and addiction are where I plan to invest some energy, it is long past due.

I have been given an amazing opportunity, a one in a million chance to explore and express elements of my past addicted life and my present recovery that have been clawing at my psyche. I have the chance to be raw and uncensored in a publication that is unlike anything anyone has ever seen.

I am beyond trilled to have been warmly welcomed and given a seat at The Addicted Project table. Words are unable to express the emotion of encountering a project that just “fits”, but I will  leave you with this sentiment. This is going to be one hell of a ride. Giddy up!

We have all had mornings that were less than glorious. You wake up and if you are caffeine needy you make a cup of coffee. Nothing compares to that first cup. The day facing you is chock full of obligations and errands that will keep you running. For the moment, you are enjoying your coffee. Then, the following happens: you set your coffee mug down but you misjudge the landing area and bam! Coffee is now spilled everywhere. This is not an optimal way to begin your day.

Often when days start like this we are facing will go downhill quickly. Soon you poke your eye with the mascara wand, the car doesn’t want to start, you have a run in your hose and you have conveniently dropped your cell phone in a puddle. When it rains it pours.

We all have days that we would love to  “control- alt-delete” and begin anew. We push through our day and hope dinner won’t end up burnt. The moral of this story is simple: be mindful. While the statement “make lemonade out of lemons” can make you want to smack someone, being mindful makes it so the crappy things that happen on your worst day ever have some sense of purpose. Where is the greater good?

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~ Lao Tzu

Being mindful of your day-to-day meanderings reminds you to be present. When you are present you are less likely to waste your time. While irritating events may occur, there is always a silver lining. Even if that silver lining is the fact that you can look back on those events a few days from now and chuckle. I have found some of my fondest memories involve laughing till my stomach aches ~ at my own expense.

The term intellectualizing (or over-intellectualizing) the disease of addiction is worthy of a few moments of thought. Ever think  you were smarter than your addiction? Have you pondered long and hard, coming to the conclusion that you understood everything there is to know about “addiction”?

I admit I’ve been caught up in this thought process. I thought that if I read all of the books, especially those with big medical terminology, that I could “beat” my addiction. Want to know where that train of thought got me? Flat on my face in a pile of relapse.

Run Run As Fast As You Can

Studying addiction can serve a positive purpose, but only if studious activities are combined with a hard-core dose of reality. You can’t outrun your disease; you can’t out think your disease. All the knowledge in the world won’t make addiction go away. You can analyze addiction to death but it won’t get you anywhere. Once you figure out what triggers your desire to use, once you figure out what biological factors may have started this whole issue you have & once you process and put to rest all of your demons ~ guess what you are left with? Freedom from addiction? Not hardly. You are left with a sense of ego and hubris that leaves you in a dangerous position.

You Can’t Outrun The Addiction Man

Knowledge and educating oneself about their affliction is important. This information can act as a cornerstone of understanding the cold hard facts of addiction, but in the end you are still an addict. The choice you have is this ~ are you going to be an active addict or are you going to embrace recovery? Either way you work your ass off, but the destination of recovery is a tad more pleasant.

To all my fellow over-achievers who think that knowledge is the power necessary to beat your addiction, take it from me ~ it doesn’t work. Use the knowledge you have gained to be of real use ~ reach out to the struggling addict. Make a difference in the life of someone other than yourself ~ you’ll be happy that you did. Finally, a way to put all that hard work studying towards something positive.

The face of addiction is a trickster. Much like the legendary stories of Coyote, Loki & Crow, addiction takes on many forms.

Definition of a trickster:  the one given by Lewis Hyde: “trickster is a boundary-crosser” (7). By that, he means that the trickster crosses both physical and social boundaries– the trickster is often a traveler, and he often breaks societal rules. Tricksters cross lines, breaking or blurring connections and distinctions between “right and wrong, sacred and profane, clean and dirty, male and female, young and old, living and dead” (Hyde 7). The trickster often changes shape (turning into an animal, for example) to cross between worlds. In his role as boundary-crosser, the trickster sometimes becomes the messenger of the gods. Hyde, Lewis. Trickster Makes This World: Mischief, Myth, and Art. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1998.

Unlike its folklore counterparts, the addiction trickster does not have a culturally heroic aspect of its personality. The addiction trickster lives in your mind, whispers in your ear and controls your dreams. The addiction trickster fools you into believing three heinous thoughts:

• You are wiser than your addiction
• You are stronger than your disease
• You have the power to control every aspect of your life

The addiction trickster will hand you a warm and cuddly blanket of complacency in order to reinforce those false beliefs. The addiction trickster delivers a false sense of reality, leading one to believe that consequences do not exist. The addiction trickster wants the recovering individual to believe that becoming complacent is safe. To be complacent is anything but safe.

Complacent Is A Dirty Word

Complacent is one of the most dangerous words in the dictionary. A slippery slope exists between authentic comfort and the illusion that all is well. If we end up in the pit of illusion, our saving grace is passion. Passion reminds us of why we are blessed to be on this plane of existence. Passion fuels our desire to make a lasting impression on the planet. Passion is what breaths fire into life. The flames of passion are not always extinguished in one fell swoop. For many in recovery our flames slowly die out as complacency breathes in the oxygen needed to fuel our passion. Does this mean that one must be obsessed with addiction in order to conquer the addiction trickster? Obsessed No ~ Vigilant Yes!

Vigilant VS Complacent

I adhere to the belief that addiction is a disease. I have a disease. My brain and my body do not react to alcohol in a “normal” fashion. Every morning I am thankful for another moment of reprieve. For me, addiction is a manageable disease. My disease is manageable IF I do the work. There is no cure but there are measures I can take to maintain sobriety. The most universal tool in my toolbox is vigilance.

Vigilance encompasses being aware of your emotional response while obsession feeds off of your emotions. The addiction trickster’s goal is to elicit an emotional response of hubris, by tricking you into believing that you have a “hold” on your addiction. If the addiction trickster wins, the recovering individual is fooled into believing they are in control.  The cold hard truth is… you are not in control.

Vigilance empowers you to be mindful of your emotional response and take responsibility for the decision you make. For example, if a person is “obsessing” over environmental factors that may “trigger” them to use, chances are, they will use. Take this same individual but replace obsession with vigilance. Now they are aware of their environment, aware of their emotional responses and able to discern the best way to solidify their recovery foundation.

Consciousness To The Rescue

By simply exchanging “vigilance” for “obsession” your mindset shifts in a direction that will prove beneficial. While those in recovery will never achieve “control”, we can develop a “conscious”. Having a conscious that serves you is priceless. Don’t let the addiction trickster gain more power in your psyche ~ the addiction trickster can’t afford the rent.

Are You In Or Are You Out?

The question of anonymity in the realm of those addicted is being questioned. For years, many addicts and recovering addicts relied heavily on the anonymous nature of traditional 12-step programs. With the increase of technology empowering those addicted and in recovery to have a “voice”, the curtain of anonymity is being dropped. The issue being raised questions if anonymity is still safe due to the increase in recovering addicts coming out of the addiction closet. Fear is also rising regarding the protection of the anonymity of those that choose to remain anonymous. In my opinion, I truly believe the safety of anonymity remains.

Controversy

While the controversy over remaining anonymous runs rampant, I figured I would add a few points to hopefully clarify the situation. Mainly, I don’t see a problem. I highly doubt that individuals who opt to be public about their recovery or struggles with addiction are going to start a campaign to “out” the entire community. Also, I don’t think that by openly declaring your addiction status threatens the anonymity of those that opt to no be as open. Individuals that wish to remain anonymous can do so and those that opt to declare their addiction or recovery to the world at large should be free to do so as well. I fall (obviously) into the category of people who decided to shed their anonymity. Why did I do this?

I made the personal choice to become public about my struggles with alcohol and drugs and subsequent day-to-day success of remaining sober and thriving in recovery. I did so because I am lucky enough to deal with the stigma on my terms. I am not in a position to lose employment and I am willing to deal with personal backlash because of my public admission of addiction. I am extremely lucky that I have not had to bear a stigma cross for this blog, my activity on twitter or recovery status updates on facebook. The heart of this debate all comes down to independent thought.

Make A Choice

My response to the anonymity debate is, keep your side of the street clean. If you want to come out of the addiction closet then do so, if you want to remain protected by anonymity that is your choice and right as well. There is not room to sit on the fence. I take issue with individuals who wish to use addiction and recovery only when it suits them and then run and hide behind the curtain of assumed anonymity when they don’t care for the reaction. Therefore, one must put on their adult panties and make a decision that they can live with.

In the end, it comes down to choice, that nasty responsibility of free will. Simply make your decision based on your comfort level. I don’t see people walking around with signs demanding that you out yourself as an addict or an addict in recovery. Nor do I see signs being waved that all addicts and recovering addicts must remain anonymous in order to keep the collective whole safe. The stigma of addiction will not end until society becomes comfortable with the word “addict”.

Hope Remains

My personal hope, by coming out and declaring myself publicly as a recovering alcoholic and addict is that people will gain a better understanding of the disease of addiction. That just maybe, a person will look at me and accept me for being a human being that was once very sick with an active addiction. My hope is also that I can be someone that provides information and resources to those suffering that do not have anywhere to turn. Being addicted is a very lonely disease; I’d like to make a declarative statement that recovery can provide the family we all desire.

Whichever choice you make, embrace it, be responsible for it and take ownership. You are not being forced to choose to be public or private. Both have their benefits and detriments. As long as you are not lying to yourself, then your personal choice becomes irrelevant. Be true to yourself and whichever decision you make will be the right one.

However, when I saw this headline I felt an immediate need to add my 2 cents. Here was the headline:

Lawsuit Alleges Chuck E. Cheese Promotes Kiddie Gambling, Gaming Addiction

The basis of the lawsuit can be found in the article (which is linked) but the gist was a Mother became angry and decided to sue the infamous children’s birthday Mecca because the establishment encourages gambling among the youth of America. Now I must admit, I’ve been to Chuck E. Cheese maybe twice in my life. Ironically the last incident was for a birthday party of my nephews and I had the worst hangover on the planet. I swear God was laughing at me on that morning when I had to travel 2 hours to sit in this hell for an entire afternoon, on a Saturday, for a birthday party. That would be motivation enough to never drink again. Do I feel that Chuck E. Cheese encourages gambling among the youth of the nation? Ummm, let me think? No.

I equate Chuck E. Cheese with an arcade on acid. The tokens are overpriced, the food is not of this world (tomato paste on a cracker does not equal pizza) and the children sit at the feet of a giant rat. I can see parents complaining about the frenzy children get into over getting tickets for some cheap tacky trinket, but I hardly think the experience encourages gambling. Gluttony, envy and wrath may rise to the surface, but I hardly think the children have the seed of a gambling addiction planted due to a jaunt at Chuck E. Cheese.

Personally, the rat freaks me out. Why is he a rat? Not only is he a rat that is inhabited by a human wearing a costume, but also there are mechanical Chuck E’s that automatically start by some type of motion sensor. Why??!?! Oh and if you have never been, he’s like 6 feet tall. It’s unnatural. So I believe the more important question to answer isn’t if Chuck E. Cheese is encouraging your child to gamble, but what does fueling the adoration of a six-foot rat teach our kids? And if that isn’t bad enough, all I could think of was Pleasure Island. (Click For Details: Disney’s Pinocchio Pleasure Island). I was just waiting for the kids to start sporting donkey ears and tails. Let the braaaaaying begin!

Reality Shows Involving Addiction

There are many opinions regarding reality shows that put the spotlight on addiction. The top shows are Celebrity Rehab and Intervention. My view on if these shows are helpful or hurtful doesn’t apply to this specific blog post. This post deals with one show, Relapse, which premiered this season. The premise is that a sober coach intervenes on an addict that is active (having never stopped or having relapsed) and this coach has one week for the addict to make the decision to enter treatment. The show follows the day-to-day activities of the addict, including the obtaining and use of their drug of choice. The sober coaches that are on this show are professional individuals, not actors, not doctors, not medical professionals but people that have decided to make it their mission to help those that are unable to help themselves. The sober coach enters the addict’s life when everyone has given up on them.

The gutter is where these individuals exist, the utter bottom of society. They do not see any hope and they are at their bottom. These addicts are truly at the juncture of life and death. They are unable to do anything but use, they exist to use, their soul is lost to their addiction. The sober coaches understand exactly where these addicts are. Several of them have been addicted themselves. I admire the work that they do. This is the work that I am being called to do.

Why I Watch

My purpose or goal in life has never been as focused as it is at the current moment. We are all survivors of something; we have all endured our relative hells. I didn’t intend for this to be the path that I would choose. I always assumed that I would finish my degree and work a regular 9-5. I should have known that my life would take a different turn.

I have never felt such passion for a goal. I have never worked as hard as I work now, with the desired result being to work as a sober companion. It may sound cheesy but it just feels “right”. I adore the recovery community. While my roots are in traditional 12-Step philosophies I love the different approaches that are available. I love reading threads on articles and stories about addiction. The opinions that differ from mine only strengthen my resolve that what I have done has worked for me. Recovery is unique and I do not approach it in a cookie-cutter manner. I truly believe that help is available and hope is a possibility for anyone who is ready and willing.

One of the reasons I enjoy watching reality television that deals with addiction is that these programs remind me of where I was. The knowledge that I never want to return to that place is reinforced. While watching Relapse, I am encouraged that there is a specific occupation that involves my purpose. I do not know when I will have the right amount of training, resume, experience and sober time to achieve this goal, but I am patient. I am willing to listen and willing to learn. It is by being willing that I know this lofty ambition will indeed become a reality. I know that my sanity, my sobriety and my recovery will remain possible, if I work in the addiction field.

A Future Of Hope

I am enjoying this journey. The individuals that I have met on and offline offer encouragement, experience, hope and strength. They are what keep me sober. I’ve been dry, I’ve been sober and now I am in recovery. It is the most amazing experience in my life. For the first time, in a long time, I am looking forward to a future filled with possibility. Nothing compares to that and nothing ever will.

Shame And Recovery Do Not Mix

I have noticed that there are a high percentage of individuals who use the word “shame” when reflecting on their behavior when they were using. Do I feel shame because of my actions and choices that occurred while I was active in my disease? The answer to that is No.

Shame is a useless emotion. Feeling “shame” does not serve you in a positive way. This emotion creates massive amounts of guilt and can induce feelings that in truth are rather self-serving. If I fill myself up with shame for the things that I have done, where is there to go? Shame does not offer a solution, it only offers heartache.

As human beings, we will all inevitably do something that we regret. We all have made choices, made decisions or used our actions and words in a way that, upon reflection, wasn’t the right thing to do. The power that we have is in our ability to not repeat the same action again. We can make amends if it is possible, but we cannot change what is now a cold hard fact that will never change. To live in the land of “what can I do to make it right” or “how do I make it better” or “how can I fix this” is fruitless. You cannot change what you did in the past, even if the past was earlier today or twenty years ago. You live, you learn, you forgive and you move on.

Once you can accept and forgive yourself for not being perfect, you can get down to the truth of what you can control. Addicts live in a land of delusion where they feel they have power and control over their lives. Recovering addicts sometimes fool themselves into thinking they have control of their addiction and power over their disease. Occasionally, recovering addicts suffer from the mindset that they are superior because they have “beat” their addiction. The only control you have is you decision to any given situation. You have control over your reaction and the words that come out of your mouth. You cannot control another human being and you cannot control your past. It simply is what it is.

When we release the outcome of a situation, we realize that we have done our part, made our contribution, added our two-cents and what will be – will be. As we are entitled to nothing in this life, we are not guaranteed our desired outcome. The simplicity of keeping your side of the street clean is powerful. Take care of your business and live your life to the best of your ability. So you screwed up, you hurt people, you committed atrocities that you can barely stomach thinking about. We all have. The weight of our sins is relative. It’s what you do with the knowledge you have gained, by the choices you have made, that will impact the quality of the rest of your life.

I don’t become obsessed with the horrors of my past. I made amends when and where I could. The outcome of whether or not those people forgive me or understand me or commend me for being sober is irrelevant. I can’t control that. I did my part and I moved on. I continue to make mistakes and continue to make amends on a daily basis. The way that I find peace and why I can sleep at night is because I have accepted that I am a fallible, living, walking, and breathing human being with a purpose. I try to move forward and live a life that makes me proud of myself. I answer to God and feel that only he has the true right to judge me. If some people like me along the way, that’s just gravy for the day. There isn’t a soul among us who is better, holier, smarter or superior to any other person. We make mistakes; we pick ourselves up and do our best to not repeat them.

That is why shame shouldn’t be in the vocabulary of a recovering addict. It serves nothing and no one. Be mindful and vigilant of your actions now. Regret and have remorse for some of the actions of your past. Keep your side of the street clean and smile. You should find some sense of peace knowing that you have already won a battle that no one, especially yourself, thought you could. There is power in being a survivor; shame only continues the mindset of a victim. And you are not a victim.